These are journal entries I wrote in 2002, while I was considering the idea of becoming a teacher. I’m culling them out of my journal compilation project, as they don’t fit into the focus of the emerging work, but I don’t want to just abandon them, so here they are.

Mark’s journal entry dated June 13, 2002 1pm
Bought notebook after reading first several chapters of “A Time for Meaning,” by Randy Bomer. The goal is to write at least a few minutes per day. An idea notebook to capture thoughts & ideas.
Reasons – 1 b/c I may be asking students to do this 2 b/c I need to clarify my decision-making process 3 b/c maybe I shd. write fiction? 4 b/c maybe there is a novel built in me. 5 b/c I need an outlet. 6 b/c I re-read parts of my 12th grade Creative writing notebook 7 b/c I want to rediscover language, poetry, nature, people, vision, inspiration, energy.
1:14 pm Currently reading “What’s Going On? ” book Re: teaching, bought yesterday, Read Ch. 3 today at lunch Also, have been trying to learn Spanish (since May 20)
Nature: Now tree waving, shimmering leaves in wind. 1 Leaves are shimmering in motion. 2 The grating of a car engine starting. 3 The sight of a garden tweaking the scenery along a narrow strip of sidewalk. 4 I am inspired by the resonance of some poems I am reading in an anthology (“4th of July” poem, & more). 5 The colors of flowers – Why does a crowd of pink & red & white feel more beautiful than a mix with blue/purple mixed in? 6 “The word in Spanish” – the search/quest for a word that resonates or has power.

Mark’s journal entry dated June 13, 2002 [7:30 pm]
Finished Chapters 4 & 5 of “What’s Going On”. Inspirational – use of photography to build language skills, (Chap 5), and even turning “remedial” language sentences into energetic/enthusiastic TA’s for younger students!

Mark’s journal entry dated June 14, 2002 3:11pm
Thinking about what the next 12 months look like if I decide to pursue teaching – and if I do not. Money is starting to fade/deplete.
Perfect weather. Odd energy – good for reading, maybe. I read the first 80 +/- pages of “The First Days of School” “teacher-pep” novel. (Yes, teacher-pep, not teacher-prep).

Mark’s journal entry dated June 15, 2002 5 pm
Just saw “The Bourne Identity,” which was well-reviewed (+/- 80% on Rotten Tomatoes). It was OK but not interesting. I suppose I am lusting for at least one extra layer, as in “Legally Blonde,” or more as in the book “Presumed City” (Turn). Layers, surprises – intellectual challenge, novelty, new ideas or old ones in new ways.
Another perfect day – not too hot, clear sky, wind making nature feel more alive. Seeing a baby in the theatre – made me aware how little I know about child development. At what age do babies have the ability to turn head sharply and respond to visual stimuli?
Thinking above some of the info on the Jr. Achievement volunteer tutorial – how hills are in 5th/6th grade etc. Curiosity – I want to know, to learn. I feel I need a place to go to read, explore, think. A retreat, an office, a study. – 5pm

Mark’s journal entries dated June 18, 2002 12:52 pm
Reading during lunch. Reflecting on how I read, how I process. I am back to “Time For Meaning” (Bomer) and I am baffled at the notion that we expect H. S. students to focus every period on the current assignment, when few of us (adults) learn effectively in that way. That is, I read a particular book or passage if and when I am in the right mood. If I am “blocked” or if I “zone out” as I did today – reading, then realizing that my eyes were scanning the words but I was not absorbing any meaning – then I simply put it aside until I am able to focus.
I suppose we are trying to teach children to focus and to learn to enjoy reading (which will make it easier to do without “zoning out” as often.)
I feel a strong desire to see nature, to get “away” or more fairly (accurately) to go “to” nature. I want to take my current books with me, almost a contradiction (reading & nature? ). Certainly an obstacle – carrying books is a burden when walking. I will go to nature now.
[1:38 pm] I drove to Sunol Regional Wilderness. I am sitting at a picnic table, near the creek. There is a cool breeze. A family of birds scampered away through the leaves as 2 approached, almost like chipmunks instead of birds.
Annoyed (a little) at the $4 fee, more so at myself for forgetting about it − I had exactly (only) $4.
[1:42pm] I had forgotten, as I always do, about bugs – mosquitos & flies. Not bad here, actually not noticeable here @ the table. As I walked here, I saw lizards fleeing my approach. The breeze feels wonderful. Relaxing, calming. (My hand is starting to hurt from writing so much.)
[1:44] Bird in flight, wings spread. And Was that a butterfly or just a falling leaf adrift on the breeze? Memories of earlier days, of youth (young adulthood) outdoors, Mt. Monadnock. I feel young – not as if those passing will see a 21-yo instead of a 41-yr-old.
[1:47] I want to sit quietly and listen no! hear nature. But I also want to read my books (Bower) yet its works send me to reflection and then I start to hear my surroundings.
My environment. Moss on rocks in the stream Green where wet, brown-gray where dry White A child crying, chastised by watchful parents. Her curiosities rebuffed. The cry (car? no) of a child.
Whistling – a chorus of whistles, birds. Cheepings not chirping. The gentle motion of plants (weeds? No) in the gentle breeze, inviting motion.
“Sarah! Come on! The river bank.”
Brother guiding distant sister, engaged in her own conversation with Dad.
[1:53] “There’s huge fish over there, like that big,” says boy. Dad seems passive, perhaps only partly present.
“Reading is a collaborative act” says Bower (p. 97).
Seeing the stones beneath the surface of the clear creek. They are settled, resting rested. The bugs argue – They detest my stillness. They demand motion. (command)
Poems fall all around me, today, or least lines. (Hingsley ??? ,”Stealing Apples”.) I do not feel that they escape – or are lost – when I don’t write them down. How can such joy, inspiration even if not recorded, be a “loss? “
[2:00pm] Education teaching as “conversations” (Bower, p. 97) is an inspiring idea – energizing, empowering. “Making reading writers insiders” (Bower, p. 98). Wow!
The sound of branches scraping as the wind makes them writhe – A bird – hopping, pausing, hopping. Some more pausing.
[3:04] After hiking a while – I am hot, sweaty. As I rise a hill, I feel the gracious gift of the cool breeze. I recall Monadnock, climbing through woods forever, climbing rock, and then – finally – the great glaring Energy of the wind sweeping the sweat from my bare chest, my shoulders, my neck. Energized by the transformation. Alive! Alive!
[3:07 pm] My (borders) My worries set free on the wind!

Mark’s journal entries dated June 19 1:48 pm
There is no poetry here? (Waiting room @ UCSF Med Center)
“Dang! Naieve!” “It could be, girl.” (Mumbling)
-> Dialogue exploration <- Listen, observe Be this place. Calm, but not calming. Colors – interplay of color, image,”flavor,” style Spanish as a window on English. Word Meaning, word choice Specificity of meaning. Character, mood of words.”Whimsical” in “Emigrant Picnic” Solitude in many poems – -> Reflection in most(? ) poems?
Energy, vigor. Poignancy. Evocative. Emotional. Expressive
The glare of music from beyond a wall. Blare, may be. Intrusion, inappropriate
“Mom” – writing the word made me uncomfortable. Why? Avoidance. Fear. Apprehension. Panic? Foreboding. Danger! Cliff, precipice, worse. (A cliff you could climb, up or down.) “A house of cards” Fragile, __ [What is the word? ]!! (frustration at lack of word)
Do I want to teach – or to be taught? To teach myself, learn from myself.
Dance – “I hope you dance.” “Would you dance, if I asked you to dance? ” Dance as metaphor for doing – living – experiencing.
But it’s not just about doing or experience. It’s about Being, Becoming.
Becoming what I am not Becoming what I want to be. A teacher? A writer? A poet? (misdirected -> JS? ) Rebellion via criticism?
My conclusion has been about teaching!
-> Seeing opinions drift into my directory? Is it or rebellion against Journalism? Not just anger? Not a different set of rules, but a new genre! Or at least a valid genre! Learning from myself.
“Sharing a view of what’s obvious” ? Common vocabulary Common myths/stories Common usage/grammar ? So we know & recognize “word day” (Word play) Hirsch ??? . Expanding our horizons to include new myths, etc

Mark’s journal entry dated July 3, 2002 1:45 pm
… rush thru bookshops, bought a dozen books (on teaching & education). Option: Writing about education Opinion? Journalism? What else? ? Observing & Reporting. ?
[1:50 pm] Racism. Sexism.”Other.” Fears & doubts dealing with “others” ? Different meanings; different outlooks/perspectives. Gender & sex
Body space, body language, voice tone – these have diff. meanings to diff people. Hard to know.”Lingua franca.” “Lingua franca” fails to capture our identities, it sorts down our “rough spots” It bleeds out the color.
[1:53 pm] “Space” – private space my space quiet space. Comfortable space Money. School as “comfortable” or at least “familiar” space. ?
Job/Career/Profession/Calling.
= Respect. I want to be comfortable with who I am. (I want to be someone I could be comfortable with)

Mark’s journal entry dated July 8, 2002
. . . . How afraid should I be of teaching? What role models will I bring?
[After reviewing my old records] I was surprised at my HS grades – B average, not as many A’s as I had thought. Funny how we remember.

Mark’s journal entries dated July 17, 2002
[Noon on BART] I am constantly vacillating on the notion of teaching. At times, I think “this is nuts. I can never be a teacher.” None of the reasons are new, really – all the same concerns I listed on June 2.
[2:50pm] I left off my reading of my “sound” (1978) work Fran Quinn. With poetry. With inspiration, freedom, independence, open mind.
I am concerned about my “desire to thank” – thank. To engage, to share. Fran Quinn, and others. See https://www.markwelchblog.com/2014/02/23/poetry-stephen-dunn/

Mark’s journal entries dated July 24, 2002 2:30 pm
I finished reading “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” and then I read all of Tony Morrison’s The Bluest Eye. Very good characterizations, but lacking in plot or motivation for the characters’ actions. Yet I revelled in the poetic language. . . . .
4PM – Why teaching? Why not fiction writing? Text writing?
Fear of failure.

Mark’s journal entries dated August 7, 2002 10:53 am
. . . . Reduced Reading, Intellectual Energy ? Paralysis Res Reference Requests? [I needed references when applying for teaching work] The irritability is easing forward. I am “not quite unseated. Unmotivated.” (Reference) Fear about “what’s the right Reference.”
When I know the answer – Nick & Bob, clients who have seen me speak. Am I afraid to discuss this with them? Fear of rejection? Fear that if I ask this, they might cease to be good references for consulting clients? There is really no question here – I must ask them – and “Now.”
Still annoyance about my glasses – still no replacements for the torn trial contacts.
[11AM] Irritability – it’s back, still relatively mild, but it’s back, along with “purposeless acts” – calling to complain about spam.
. . . . Noticed that I did not get drawn in to the dark, oppressive mood of “Crime & Punishment” when I read it this week. My sense is that I merely sampled the emotion & mood but pulled back, when in part by reading fast, or by re-reading, or skipping forward a page & then back.

Mark’s journal entries dated August 16, 2002
While reading the 1st few YA Books, I kept thinking that (maybe) I could do better.”I Had Seen Castles” made me doubt, and “Make Lemonade” made me sure that there are better universes “here” than I could ever expect (dream) to be. Yet I feel I still may (do) have a voice, something to say. I still want to help my 16-18 year old self speak, and I see the seeds of my “current” desire to write again.

Mark’s journal entries dated August 21, 2002 2:20pm
Bought more YA books. Reading “Tuck Everlasting” and “Bless Me Ultima” – done about two-thirds of “Tuck,” and 2 or 3 chapters in Ultima.
Wassup? Not sure. Holding pattern? Emotionally? Delaying “everything” until the Pleasanton Substitute Teaching application on Friday AM (23rd).

. . . . budgeting-as money grows tighter. I need to “run the numbers” and create a budget for the next 6 to 24 months – so my remaining funds will last through teacher-training if I do do that. [2:30pm]
[2:45pm] Just started “Yellow Raft on Blue Water” (M. Dorris) and realized it’s a book riddled with “Mom” issues. Not my Mom necessarily but I got nervous, uncomfortable at the suicide in the first few pages.

Mark’s journal entries dated August 25, 2002 6:25pm Sunday PM
Bought 5 more YA titles, all new. Read section of “In The Middle”
The Big Question-What to write about?
Applied for sub job in Pleasanton – finished paperwork this morning.

Mark’s journal entries dated August 26, 2002 4:07pm
Read more “In the Middle” yesterday. Started “Class Dismissed” (Maran) today. A “year and to school” look set in Berkeley.
. . . . I write small to be quiet. It feels loud to write larger and more legible. It is difficult difficult to write larger, it makes me feel inappropriate, loud, disruptive, clumsy, overbearing, excited-overexcited, anxious, edgy, paranoid, (is how I fear I appear when I write loud (large).
I can talk agitated but my agitated writing turns professional, efficient. Small, focused, laser.
[5:28pm] I am finding it harder to read − to focus on reading. Perhaps it is partly repetition in the teaching books, and mundane writing in the YA books I am reading. When I read the teaching books I am increasingly frustrated at not having a chance to practice – to teach. To create lesson plans.
[5:47 pm] A sense (in me) of emptyness (emptiness) that I seem to have no story to write, no emotion or message to put into a novel.
[5:49 pm] So is teaching a way of fishing or mining for material? Other people’s material? Or am I just looking for a lens to focus my message/story/thoughts?
Writing as a gift to myself – not just my future, but myself.

Mark’s journal entries dated September 9, 2002 6:01 pm
– Amazing? how annoyed I am at the Sept 11 frenzy. Overreaction that may fuel war or a massacre we will call war.
Bought more books – an assortment, Shakespeare, children’s, English Literature History, How To Read a Poem.
I am confused to find this love book too simplistic.
Paralysis/anxiety. At being asked “how do I know you” by PUSD fingerprint person – By my fear that I will appear “old” for wanting to volunteer in middle & HS classrooms. Fear of how others see me – is this a reflection of how I see myself? (Note the small handwriting as I write this).
Why do I enjoy reading poetry and yet have no desire to write it? # 6:07 pm

Mark’s journal entries dated September 16, 2002 4:44 pm
Reading “Izzy, Willy-Nilly”. Thinking, does life change? About “what is it that we (I) would want to be doing if I could choose from scratch? ” Who would I be? Who would I choose as friends, colleagues?
[man’s name] was on BART riding in. Talked about Rotary. Then a minute ago, looking at passersby, I realized I liked the people in my Rotary Club. These are the people, and the kind of people, I want as friends, the kind of people I want to be around.
And I think again about what I want to do – interaction is so important to me, that’s what has so disappointing as an attorney, even as a reporter.
I thought last night about [woman’s name] from a grandparent-guardianship workshop. Wondering who she really is, how I might know people better. I likely didn’t say 3 words to her in law school. Fear of others? Fear of what?
[4:55pm] poem/starting words
– I am not who I was.
– I am not who I thought I would be.
– I am not what I thought I wanted to be.
– I am opinionated.
– I am afraid.
– I am sometimes brave.
– I am – I can be – effective.
– I am intelligent
– I can be patient understanding empathetic
– I have learned to listen to accept
– I am outgrowing the need to fix things
– I am learning to accept who I am and who others are.
– I like how sign language looks
– I like the breeze in Hawaii at night
– I like the passion of lovemaking.
– I like the pleasure from seeing someone smile

Mark’s journal entry dated November 25, 2002
Spent $58 more on books today. Good books, it appears but damn! I’ve spent $3,000 on books so far this year. Ouch. Wow. Unsustainable.
And I have still made zero progress toward getting classroom exposure with teacher present. Fear of what?
Having trouble reading lately – bad posture, impossible, more easily distracted. Watching lots of movies – Shakespeare, Austen.

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